Musings
by laurabryannan1
Summary: Inside the heads of our fav three. Takes place around eps 16 and 17. Chap 1, Mugen. Chap 2, Jin. Mostly JinMugen, but Fuu too in chap 3 and JinMugenFuu in 4. Originally posted Aug05.
1. Chapter 1

**Musings**

by Laura Bryannan

You know how it is when your lover doesn't want it as much as you do? It's a bitch, right? It gives them all the power. Not that Jin doesn't have all the power anyway, but it gives him even _more_ power. Here I am, traveling with two people who totally mess with my head and totally turn me on. So I'm crazy. I'm just fucking crazy all the time. This trip I'm on is some kinda wild and crazy trip. It's changing me. _He's_ changing me, and I can't understand myself anymore.

Can you believe I'm hanging with normal people? I used to think normal people were…well, too fucking normal. I never knew any normal people before now. It's good. It's good to go to sleep and know the people you're with ain't gonna fuck you over. It's good to hang with people who ain't going psycho on you every time you turn around. Sometimes I have to poke at Fuu cuz things are too quiet and nice. Plus it's fun to get her all riled up. She's really cute when she's angry. She's really cute when she's not, too. I give her shit when she nags cuz I can't have no fifteen year old bitch boss me around, but she still turns me on. Never had me a good girl before, and I'll prolly never have her either, so I put up with all this shit from her just to stay around her even though I'd never admit it to anyone.

And then there's Jin. I didn't pay attention to him at first cuz I thought he was one of them shy submissive types. Well, I was wrong about that one, huh? I mean, there's no question he is Master and I am dog panting after. Thing is, he doesn't treat me like a dog. It's so weird. I've never known anyone who could command me sexually the way he does who didn't make me pay for it. He's not beating me up or kicking me around or making me grovel. He's changing me. He's making me think about things I never thought about before and sometimes it makes me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore.

Like this: we were hanging in this one place for a while cuz we all found work, and I guess Jin had saved up a little cash. One night he comes home with this package. Me and Fuu are bugging him.

"Is it food?" says her.

"Is it booze?" says me.

He pulls out this little bottle of ink, three brushes and three pieces of paper. I'm like, huh? We sit in a circle and he puts the ink in the middle. He hands us each a paper and a brush. Fuu giggles, "Oh boy!" and starts scribbling. Jin works for a while and then he notices me sitting there looking at the brush in my hand. I never had a brush in my hand before. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't write. I see the paper and it's like a big white eye staring back. I'm freaking out.

"Hey." He gets my attention and holds his brush up, so I do it too.

"Brush in ink." He dips his in, I do the same.

"Wipe off excess." He shows me how. OK, I can do that.

"Mark paper." He goes back to work.

Man, putting that first mark on the paper was really hard to do. Like I had to do it right or not at all. But they were both ignoring me, so what the hell? I messed around with it some and figured out how the brush worked. And then I closed my eyes and I could see a scene I remember—this place on a beach I always used to go to be alone when I was a kid. I started marking up the paper like I saw in my head. I just kept doing it until it was done and then I couldn't believe my fucking eyes! I couldn't believe I had drawn it. I never knew I could do something like that. It was the most amazing damn thing! I felt like I was gonna explode or something. I looked over at Jin and he was staring at me in the best way, with this half smile running around his face. He looked amazed. He nodded and said, "That's good. You've got natural talent, it appears."

Fuu looked at me different too when she saw it. "Wow, Mugen. You could be an artist. Are you _sure_ you've never done this before?" She looked at me like I was a person for the first time. I was blown away. She had drawn some flowers and some words, I guess, and some little animal pictures. She's pretty good too. It made me like her more, if that is possible. Such a juicy little bitch. Oh well.

Jin had drawn us—my head and face and Fuu's too. It was really cool. It really looked like us! Or, at least, Fuu's really looked like her. I don't know about mine. I've seen myself in water and a mirror once, and I think Jin drew me better than I am, but that's cool by me. Fuu can write her name, but I didn't know mine, so he wrote my name on my picture and now I know how to write it too. Totally amazing shit!

He tore his paper in half and gave us our pictures, so now I can look at it whenever I want. Sometimes I look at the picture he drew and wonder what Jin's doing with someone like me. Someone like him with a lover from Ryukyu…yeah, right. But there it is. He's still wanting me. Not as much as I want him, but what I get ain't bad, that's for sure. It just blows my goddam mind! Sometimes I look at my drawing and I feel like my guts are gonna burst out of me. I feel proud of myself, I think. It's really weird. So I think I'm going crazy. He's changing me, but it feels like it's good maybe. But I don't understand myself anymore.

XXXXXXXX

I'm obsessed with Jin's skin. It's so white you can see his veins through it on a sunny day. His body is practically unmarked too. How does a guy get to be as good a fighter as him without getting all scarred up? I guess that's what happens when you learn to fight from training instead of from actual fighting, like me. I look at that skin, prettier than any girl I've ever had or any whore I've ever been able to afford, and I need to make marks on it. It welts so easily. I can run the back of my nail over his skin and the mark will come up right away and last for a long time. Scratch marks last even longer. And when I suck hard enough to taste blood, a mark like that will last a week. Great shit!

Sometimes I've marked him up so much he looks like he's got a disease or something. It's my rule that he's got to have at least one mark of mine on his body all the time. Not that I think he's getting sex anywhere else—I'm pretty sure he's not. It's just something I need to do to him, so I do it. Like a dog pisses to mark his territory, I've got to mark him mine.

The only problem I have with Jin's body, besides the fact that he's taller than me, is that he washes it too much. If he can, he washes every fucking day, believe it or not! As far as I'm concerned, people should smell like _something_, but when he gets out of the bath he smells like nothing. Where I grew up, people smelled like people, and that's how it should be, if you ask me. I really like how he smells at the end of the day, but he usually bathes after the day's work is over, so that's when I try to grab him. I try to get to him before he's washed his scent off himself. Even better is if we've been traveling and can't bathe at all. If I'm really lucky and have him before he's washed I can smell him on me, even the next day. I love it when that happens—when I can smell him on my hands or on my face after. I want him to smell me on him too, but he usually chases me away if it's been too long since I took a bath.

I got tired of being rejected so now I try to time things so that I'm _mostly_ clean when we're together. That seems to be working so far. And I notice that Fuu hasn't been avoiding me so much either so that's cool. Sometimes I wonder if he's changing her too. I would swear that I've caught her staring at me more than once with this weird look in her eyes. I'm probably dreaming, but I really feel like she's acting different.

There was that time when I saw her kiss him. I could tell something was up with them. Man, I pulled out every trick in the book but no matter what I did, he stuck to his story: _"I went to the spring late that night and found her there weeping. She cried forever, and I held her. You were right, in a way. The guy didn't dump her, but she did find out he was married. She was unhappy and I comforted her, Mugen. That is it."_ I _know_ something else was going on there, but I don't think he'll ever tell me. She's been different since then, that's for sure. For one thing, I have to fight her off for pets, now.

Here's a thing about Jin: if you hang next to him when he's napping or meditating—I like to stretch out on my stomach—and manage to keep still enough to not get shoved away, when he begins to come to his hand will start stroking you. I don't think he knows he's doing it. He just does it, but it feels really nice. He'll pet you until he wakes up enough to stop himself. And then you have to ask him to keep going, but he usually will. So Fuu's been cutting in on my petting action these days. I'll find her snuggled next to him before I get there. I don't mind sharing, I guess, but it makes me wonder what the hell happened between them. Maybe I have to think up better tortures.

XXXXXXXX

Jin's hands are very talented. Sometimes I can get hard just staring at them, thinking about what they can do to me. It's good that his hands are talented, because he's still got this thing about his mouth. He's actually a pretty good kisser these days, and I'll take credit for that, but he never tries to kiss me. If I want to kiss him I've got to kiss him myself. And he still tries to fight me off most of the time. It's the only way I try to top him. It's the only way I know to get him into a horny place if he's off hiding in his head when Fuu's not around and we can play. I know if I can manage to kiss on him for a minute or two, he'll get wonky and I can have my way with him. Unfortunately, I can't always manage it. The guy is slipperier than a fucking eel, and he's too good a fighter to overpower if he _really_ wants me to piss off.

But if I can be patient and wait for him to come to me, it's always worth it. Then he'll let me kiss him as long as I want. I know I'm in business when he starts making little contented, moany sounds, so once I get them I don't like to stop. He gets really funny after being kissed for a while—kinda spaced out and stupid. One time I had him pinned up against the wall, my hands holding his wrists, and I was enjoying myself when he started sliding down the wall. _"Let's sit down. I don't want to stand anymore_," he said. I like melting him like that. Jin always tastes good. I'm always hungry for his body. I can't keep my mouth off his body. I want to get my face in there and smell him and taste him everywhere.

He won't use his mouth on me though. Not that I really care. Somehow it would seem wrong for him to be on his knees to me. I don't see him that way. I don't see myself that way. His hands are talented enough that I don't miss his mouth on me. But there's one thing he _will_ do with his mouth—bite me. Strange huh? The weird thing is, he bites me in these places and my body gets hot, even though it hurts. The first time he did it we were on the road Fuu was up ahead and I heard him come up behind me. He grabbed a hunk of my shoulder blade with his teeth—through all my clothes—and bit me really hard. Man it hurt like a bitch, but my cock just went _hello!_ I couldn't believe it! He looked at me with this little smile, cocked his eyebrow, then walked off. I could feel the marks from his teeth for days after. How does he know these things? Must've been some kind of weirdass dojo, that's for sure.

So, his hands are beautiful. His fingers are so long I can't stop remembering what they feel like inside me every time I look at them. One time Fuu was working but neither of us were, and we made plans to get together while she was gone. I was hanging in our room waiting for him, totally drooling and panting as usual, when he finally walked in. I tried to jump him but he sent me flying and said, "Wait. Look at this." He held up a little bottle filled with this clear green stuff.

"OK, I see it," I said. "So what? What is it?"

"It's oil made from olives," he said, opening the bottle to let me smell it. Man, the stuff smelled like sunshine or something! It smelled like summer, or green things, or a warm day.

"I believe it's supposed to be for cooking, but…." He looked at me in his I'm-trying-not-to-smile way and pointed to the bed. "Take off your clothes and lie down." If my clothes need to be off I'm there, so I do it and lay down.

"No, on your stomach." So I do that. He strips down to his fundoshi and sits on my ass, with his legs on either side of me. Then I feel this pool of oil forming on my back and he starts rubbing it around. Man did that feel good! He just kept rubbing and rubbing me all over. The oil made his hands all slippery, and it felt amazing. He spent a long, long, long time massaging that stuff into me. He did my shoulders and back, my arms, my hands, my legs, my feet, even my head. He was turning me into mush. No one ever did such a thing for me before. He knew how good it would feel and he wanted to do it to me—he actually wanted to serve me like that. The whole thing just made me crazy. I can't figure Jin out. The guy is the weirdest seme I've ever known, but I ain't complaining.

But here's what I mean about his hands. He starts working on my ass and of course I get even _more_ horny than I was before, if that's possible. He's been touching me forever and I'm feeling so good, my body really wants to cum. He finally turns me over and I'm thinking, _come on, you bastard,_ _do it, do it, do it_. I want him to get those slippery fingers all over my cock and make me cum. But instead he slides a few inside my ass, and he's doing something in there that's driving me crazy. He's touching a place that makes my guts go "_BANZAI!" _In a few seconds I'm convulsing all over the bed. I feel like I'm cumming but my cock isn't involved somehow. I'm cumming inside my guts somehow. Pretty freaky, I can tell ya, but it felt great! My cock is still hard as a rock. Nothing's come out but it's drooling pre-cum like a motherfucker. I kinda stare at him through this haze in my head and my body is shaking all over. I think I said something like, "Please Jin," but maybe I just moaned. I don't know.

"Feel good?" I think he asks me. I just nod and reach for my meat. I can't stand it anymore. He shoves my hand away, but finally grabs it himself and starts to jack me off. I'm really ready, and his fingers are still dancing inside my ass, so I cum in record time. I cum all over the fucking place. Then all the tension in my body goes away and I pass out. When I wake up he's sitting there meditating as usual.

"Hey!" I call out. Instead of ignoring me, he actually opens his eyes for once. After doing all that for me, you'd think the guy would want a little for himself, but he just sits there and looks at me. "Let me do it to you, now," I demand.

He shakes his head. "Just be with it, Mugen," he says, "you can do me tomorrow if you wish." It's too weird. It makes me wonder why I put up with the shit I put up with from the guys I had a thing for in the past. I guess you put up with enough shit from people year after year and you start to think that's all that's ever gonna come your way. I'm starting to think things don't have to be like that. It's good. Things are most definitely good.

XXXXXXXX

So, you know me. I can't leave well enough alone. It gets too quiet around here and I have to stir things up some. Jin's so even-tempered. Nothing seems to bug him. Oh, he'll insult me back if I put him down or something, but I'd never seen him really angry. It became my personal mission to piss him off. I guess I'm so twisted up in my head that I can't believe someone is there for me if they're not punching me out every now and then.

It took a while, but I finally figured how to do it. It's all about his hair. His hair is amazing. Mine is all coarse and scraggly. No matter what I do, it just sticks up all over the place, so I stopped trying to make it look like anything a long time ago. I just chop off hunks of it with my tanto when it gets in my way and leave it at that. Jin's hair is long and silky fine. He keeps it tied up all the time. He never unties it that I've ever seen, not even when he sleeps. He must untie it sometimes, cuz he obviously washes it, but I've never seen it down. I found myself getting obsessed with seeing him that way.

I asked him a few times if I could untie his hair and he always said no. I tried untying it once after I had gotten him really zonked out from sex, but I guess he wasn't _that_ zonked out cuz he stopped me before I could get anywhere. The more he said no, the more I wanted to do it, you know?

Well, one day I finally did it. I finally got that damn silk string off his hair and watched it fall over his face. He looked like some amazing angel, I'll tell ya. Just goddam beautiful. Didn't have much time to enjoy it though. I never saw him move so fast. He sent this kick right into my belly and knocked the wind out of me. Before I could get my act together he had grabbed the string and tied his hair up again.

"Don't _ever_ do that to me again, you _shit!"_ he hissed, and stormed out the door. I sat there stunned for few moments and then went after him. I couldn't find him. He didn't come home that night and I couldn't believe it. I had to deal with Fuu making stupidass speculations about where he was all damn night. He didn't show up the next day either. Not good, so I set out hunting for him late that afternoon. It took me a long time to find him, but I finally did. I sat myself next to him but didn't say anything. His eyes narrowed when he saw me, but he didn't speak. I could feel the anger just shooting off of him. I didn't say anything for a while—not till I could tell he had kinda calmed down some.

"Sorry," I finally said. "Come home."

He sighed. "I've been sitting here trying to understand how I felt when you did that. I'm not sure why I got so angry. I felt violated, I believe. My hair is long, but it's not intended to be worn down…_ever!_ Only women wear their hair down so…." He took a deep breath. "Sometimes I cannot bear how I look. I'd rather not look so…feminine. When you did that it felt like you wanted me to…." He didn't finish his sentence, but I thought I got it.

And hey, now I know how to royally piss him off. Not that I'm going to try _that _again soon. But I'll never forget how he looked those seconds before he nailed me, when his hair was flying around his head like a great black halo or something. God, he's beautiful. He's afraid that I want him cuz he's beautiful, but that ain't it. I want him cuz he's fucking hard as steel. I want him cuz he's like this rock I can crash myself against and he's still there no matter what I do. I want him cuz he's changing me and I think I like who I'm turning into.

to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

**Musings, II**

by Laura Bryannan

This journey is turning into a revelatory experience. I honestly cannot comprehend it, or what it is doing to me. All I know is that I am becoming alive for the first time in my life. I realize now that I spent my entire life in a cage—a gilded cage, to be sure, but a cage nonetheless. I realize now I spent the time after being cast out wanting to die. I fought hoping I would die. I spent so long feeling as though my life was over—that what happened at the dojo was the end of everything good in my life—I am coming to realize I was completely wrong about that.

Here I am, fated as it appears to be wandering with two normal people—the kinds of people I've never had any real contact with before this journey. Yes, I interacted with shopkeepers and waitresses, farmers and such, but only in a limited way. I never spent any prolonged time with anyone normal before this, and I'm astounded at how being around them is waking me up. Here I am, a person who's lived his life bound by ritual and custom, always conscious of protocol and social formalities, learning from people who simply _live!_ I've been dead, in a way, my entire life and I never knew it until now. I'm still trying to understand it.

Take eating, for example. Mugen and Fuu eat when they're hungry (if we have the funds to do so, of course). They obviously pay attention to their bodies and when their bodies tell them they are hungry, they eat, no matter what time of day it is. Maybe I was this way when I was a child, but I doubt it. Not in my mother's house, where everything had to be done just so, or not at all. Not in the dojo, where everything had to be done just so, or not at all. I've been taught that my body is something to control, to ignore, to dominate with my mind and spirit. I eat when my mind tells me it's time to eat. I notice that the light looks a particular way and I tell myself it's time to eat. Sometimes I will realize at that point that I am indeed hungry, but I honestly wouldn't have noticed it before my mind decided it was time to eat. The idea that my body has something to say, something to teach me, is a revelation. The idea that my body is something I should honor is a revelation.

The ivory tower I've lived in has kept me from real life all these years and I never knew it. I've been living my life from the neck up without realizing it. I thought I had shut myself down after being cast out, but I can see now that I haven't felt my feelings…perhaps ever. Oh, I could tell you what I thought I felt, but to actually go inside and feel what my body was feeling? I hated doing that, so I stopped doing it long ago. What was in there? Humiliation and fear from my critical father and tormenting oldest brothers; grief from the loss of my mother and favorite brother. It was too much to bear when I was so young so I turned it all off.

Life in the dojo only enhanced that tendency in me. It made me a great fighter. It made me formidable because I needed no one. I was emotionally connected to no one, really, not even Master Enshirou. There was too much envy, too much resentment for me to open my heart to anyone there. Now, away from all that, I find it feels safe to experience what I'm feeling. I _like_ what I'm feeling in my body these days, and that is astounding to me!

I'm glad that the skills of my fellow travelers are beginning to rub off on me. I find myself thinking about the dojo and everything that happened less and less. I don't for one second miss the tension I experienced there—feeling as though I were in the center of a vast web of scheming spiders. My friends…. Hmmm, what a strange word for me to use. I don't believe I've ever known anyone I would call a friend before this journey. Well, my friends both have a way about them that makes it easy for me somehow. I feel comfortable around them and feel as though I can be myself. Mugen plays the tough guy, but I know better at this point, and Fuu plays the silly child and I know better about that too. He and Fuu call each other names and put each other down, but I can see how they look at each other…not when the other can see, of course. It makes me smile. It gives me hope that we can find a way to continue. I will keep thinking about this….

XXXXXXXX

I must take every advantage of these new circumstances I find myself in for as long as possible. I don't believe it is a coincidence that we three have been thrown together; I believe there is a reason the fates arranged it. For one thing we are all without family. Well, perhaps this isn't completely true for me, but since my only immediate family are my two oldest brothers, I have absolutely no interest in going home ever again. And, since my disgrace, they wouldn't be interested in seeing me either, I'm sure. I believe the key may be in finding a way for the three of us to become each other's family.

I can see now how important it is to me for all of us to remain together. I'm trying to keep myself in the present and not worry about what will happen when we finally reach Nagasaki and have cause to part. If I let my mind go there, I'll shut down completely for it's too depressing to contemplate. I need these two in my life; I know this to be true. So the one thing I allow my mind to do these days is to plot and scheme about how to accomplish this. I have some theories, but only time will tell whether I can put these plans into motion or not.

In the meantime, I'm trying to observe and learn all I can from my two teachers. We've all become closer after our encounter with Mukuro's gang. Believing we lost Mugen really shook Fuu and me up. Whatever asinine reservations I had about where he came from or about wanting him disappeared when we got him back. I notice Fuu isn't on his case quite so much either, nor he on hers. It's made life more peaceful and enjoyable, so that is good.

It's the strangest thing, but I actually feel happy at times! I honestly can't remember when I've felt excited about facing the day, or passionate to know what's beyond the next horizon. And god, it's good to have a lover again, especially one who suits me the way Mugen does. That's strange too, I'll admit. I don't know if I've _ever_ liked a lover of mine before this…I don't believe I have. But it is very nice to come away from sex not despising myself or the one I'm with. I find myself thinking about sex a _lot!_ I'm still struggling with this, but my new rules say I must let myself be about it. No more allowing my head to stomp out what my body wants to do, or what my heart wants to feel.

And now that I've stopped fighting with myself over what is happening to me, I'm having a much better time of it. I try to keep a Beginner's Mind, and not berate myself when I feel like a bumbling fool. Mugen's very good at turning me into a bumbling fool. Who would have thought I'd learn so much from such a man? For example, I've learned why I've never been interested in kissing. I believe I instinctively shied away from this activity because it…undoes me. At least, the way Mugen kisses me completely undoes me. My mind goes blank and all I'm aware of is him. I'm amazed at how much I want, maybe even need, him to do it to me. You'd think a horny dog like Mugen would be humping your leg and slobbering all over your face. Thank god it isn't that way. He's actually a very neat kisser, I couldn't abide it otherwise.

For a while, I kept fighting him off when he tried to kiss me. Force of habit, I suppose. But these days I'll admit I find myself hungering for it. I was wondering how I missed out on this part of life for so long when I realized Rumiko never kissed me, and I never kissed her. She taught me everything else—lots and lots of everything else—but not that. I wonder if that was her way of keeping something for herself—something too intimate to share with all the men in my family she had to put up with. Since I never wanted that from her, I never noticed she didn't do it until now. Strange.

But I digress. I've spent many meditations pondering what Mugen is about when he does this to me. He'll catch me somewhere when Fuu's not looking and just kiss the hell out of me for as long as circumstances allow. Then he'll murmer, "Ummm," or sigh or headbutt me and take off. I'll be left standing there blinking stupidly, trying to gather my wits before she notices. I flatter myself and think he's being seductive because he actually likes me and not because he's trying to power over me. I hope he's doing it because he desires me and not because he's trying, and succeeding, to rearrange my brain. In the end, I'll admit I've come to the conclusion it doesn't matter why he does it so long as he keeps doing it.

To that effect, I tried an experiment the other night that turned out quite successfully. Fuu had gone out to take a bath, so as soon as he walked in the door I grabbed his head and laid one on him. I tried to kiss him the way he kisses me. Did I succeed? Well, I felt him go wobbly, and then he fell to his knees, so perhaps I did.

"Holy shit!" he said, panting, "You fucking kissed me!" And then after staring at me in amazement he demanded, "Do it again!" I complied. It was lovely. I tried to keep control of the situation for as long as possible, but when he got his hand in my hakama I was lost. But it was great fun and he seemed to genuinely like it, so maybe he cares about me after all. I must think positively about this.

XXXXXXXX

I'm obsessed with the scars on Mugen's body. On the front there's the usual assortment of slices and gouges, more than most bodies I've seen, but still the kind you'd expect any swordsman to have. I've a few myself. But on his back…well, that is a different story. The scars on the back of him are impossible to ignore. If I'm holding or fucking him from the front I can feel them on his back, his ass. If I'm covering him they're right in front of my eyes. Most of them look old, so he must have received them young. It wasn't until I oiled him up the first time that I found them all, however. There are four sets of marks: two are intriguing, one arouses me, and one horrifies me. It took a while before I had the courage to ask him about them, but I decided I had to do it in the name of breaking my heart center open. It seems the more I learn about Mugen, the more the ice around my heart cracks, so it is an important task right now.

I began one day when we were being lazy out in the woods near the village where we were staying. He's always somewhat snoozy and mellow after sex, so I thought he might be amenable to talking. I traced the most innocuous set with my fingers—the horizontal lash marks across his back, all eleven of them.

"How did you come by these, Mugen?" I asked. "You must have been very young when it happened."

"What are you talking about?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"These scars across your back. They look like they were from quite a whipping."

"Oh yeah. I didn't know they were still there. I can't see 'em, ya know." He yawned and stretched. "Well, I was eight. Got caught in the regional poobah's house with a bag of loot. My mates and me got twenty lashes. I guess we were lucky we didn't get our hands chopped off or something."

"Twenty lashes and you were only eight?" He didn't reply, but looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, _they're there, aren't they?_

"And what about these?" I traced the scars that run horizontally across his ass cheeks. There are six, but they're deeper than the ones on his back. The guy actually chuckled! Astounding.

"Don't know if I should tell you that story. You might not let me get near your cock again." I couldn't think of _anything_ he could say that would cause me to do something that stupid, so I asked him to tell me. He studied my face intently for a few moments then evidently decided to share.

"One of my best pal's ma ran a whorehouse. Sometimes I'd hang there and earn myself a little money turning a trick or two."

"How old were you?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"Oh I don't know. Prolly eleven or twelve, I guess." I shuddered.

"So there was this asshole who was always beating up the girls and causing trouble. Everyone hated him, but money is money, so they kept letting him in. One day he grabbed me—I guess his favorite girls were busy or something. Anyway, I wasn't gonna suck _that_ fucker's cock no matter how much money he showed me, but he was a big guy. He grabbed my face and shoved it in my mouth. Well, I bit him, OK? I bit him real good, enough to taste blood. That's all I remember cuz he knocked me out. When I came to I was trussed up, naked, in the main room. They flogged me for doing it. Ten strokes, I think. It was worth it, though. I got lots of lovin' from the girls after that, and everyone felt bad they beat me for it—had to make an example, I guess. The guy never showed his face around there again, either." He was proud of himself, and I was too, I'll admit. Amazing.

I focused on the mysterious vertical scars that run a few inches up his lower back next. There are three and they were obviously laid inside his ass crack. Who would do such a thing? Pondering such things gets me aroused every time, as ashamed as I am to admit that to myself.

"And these?" I ask, tracing them. They are obviously the most recent acquisitions, for they have yet to fade to white. He turned his head around and tried to see, but could not.

"What do they look like?" he asks.

"Well, they look like three lines coming up from your…um…cleavage like this," I say, tracing them again, a bit harder so he could feel what I was talking about. He laughs.

"They're really there?" He tries to look again. "Cool! I didn't know."

My eyes open incredulously. I can't believe this guy! "Tell me," I demand.

"Oh I had me the hottest woman, for a while. It was just a few years ago. She was like ten years older, not a whore, and man she was built. The biggest tits, the hottest pussy, a great cocksucker. She was cute too but she was weird, man. She wanted to do some kinkyass shit to me. I let her cuz she was so hot and all my pals were so jealous she kept taking me into her bed. It was great in some ways, in others…." He was lost in thought for a few moments.

"Well one day she decided it was over. She was kicking me out. But she said, "_I would mark you before you go, do you submit?" _I submitted. I woulda done anything to keep being able to fuck her. I hoped if I let her, she'd change her mind. So she made me bend over, spread 'em ya know, and whipped me with something that hurt like a motherfucker. Then she said, "_Don't be here when I return_," and left. I tried to see her again, but she never let me in. She left town soon after, so that was that." He ran his fingers over the marks, trying to feel them, still smiling at the memories. The guy confounds me!

"What did she like to do to you?" I inquired innocently.

He looked at me suspiciously. "Don't go getting any ideas about that shit! I'm not so stupid anymore."

"Oh, I see," I smiled. "So you kept chasing after Yatsuha because you're not into rough trade anymore, is that it?"

"Shut up, you fuck," came the reply. I chuckled to myself, and determined to continue to explore that part of his history another time. There was one mark left—the one that twists my guts up every time I think of it. The scar looks for all intents and purposes as though someone…well, as though someone fucked him with a knife. I took a deep breath and asked.

"What about this one, Mugen?" touching that very sensitive place. I saw goosebumps go up on his skin and he shivered at my touch, but the smile left his face. He sighed.

"Don't remember how that one happened exactly. I got drugged. Woke up in a hospital. I was all beat up…broken ribs, broken jaw, lost some teeth. They told me I was knifed. It took a long time to heal because of where it was—kept getting infected, you know?" He sighed again. "I'm glad I can't remember that one."

"I am too," I said, giving his very fine ass a few gentle strokes.

"Mmmmmmmff," he murmured into the crook of his arm, "need sleep." I smiled and started to dress. Suddenly I realized that last scar is clearly the oldest one he has. If he got the ones on his back at eight…. I actually felt as though I were going to weep for a few seconds! I shut down what I was feeling, almost automatically, but I'm still amazed at myself—at the depth of my feelings toward this man. It will take many meditations to process everything I felt at that moment. Yes indeed, our conversation made some nice big cracks in that wall of ice in my chest.

XXXXXXXX

Undoing. I've been meditating on the experience of being undone. And while I am finding it fascinating to see myself become something I never knew I could become, at the hands of this…well, this fucking _creature_ who does these things to me, I will admit that I can only play these games with him because I know what undoes him as well. I have my own ammunition and am not completely defenseless.

What Mugen wants most from me, and what I am quite happy to give him (most of the time) is my cock. Mugen gets laid and he's undone. It's the most luscious thing imaginable. A minute of fucking and he's a different person. His face gets soft—that hard-edged, cynical expression he wears disappears. He looks like a child when I'm fucking him. The first time I saw it I had to remind myself I'm only a year older than he is. He seems so much younger than me. He is, in so many ways, just a big kid. I've always felt older than others my age. I guess I had my childhood trained out of me and he didn't. You know, I don't _ever_ remember being as young as Mugen, in a way.

Undoing Mugen is something I must do or I will go insane. Even though I am trying to let myself go where he takes me, I can't let him be in control most of the time. I just can't. Some things about me will probably never be undone, and that is one of them. I am oldest, I am wisest, and so I do what it takes to remind him who's ultimately seme around here. That I enjoy it immensely is just one of those amazing things in life I still can't quite comprehend.

I am aware that, if Mugen had his way, I'd be fucking him more than I am. I guess that's another aspect of myself that probably won't become undone. I'm not as lustful as he is and that appears to be that. There are times when I genuinely don't want to be sexual, with him or anyone else. This is cause for consternation, of course, which is why it would be great if he and Fuu…. Oh well, such dreams are probably too good to be true. In any event, he'll go get a whore, sometimes he'll get lucky with a local, I _know_ he masturbates. Fine, as far as I'm concerned. When I want him I want him very much, but when I don't I honestly don't. So I suppose we've both been compromising. I've allowed him to lure me into things I didn't really want to do and there's been times he's waited longer than he prefers. He probably thinks I'm trying to run a power game on him but I'm not. I'm just different than he is, in that respect.

Undoing Mugen. It's always something he wants. He's ever willing to be fucked, in my experience. No games, no pretense. Always simple and straightforward, "Fuck me Jin," "Fuck me godammit," "Fuck me you shit faced cockteasing asshole!" I always know where I stand. I make him wait for my full length. I'll fuck him as long as I can with just most of myself inside him. That's usually good for some interesting commentary.

First he'll ask for the rest, then he'll beg, then he'll threaten and curse, and finally he'll attempt some move to impale himself further. If I can hold out for a while, when I finally give him everything he liquefies immediately. That's the best part, when he turns into the kid he was supposed to be before life kicked him around the way it did. I'm in continual amazement at what fucking does to Mugen. It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on something by not asking him to do it to me. I don't know how many times I've reached for his cock after fucking him for a while only to have him move my hand away.

"Don't. Don't wanna cum like that," he'll murmur. "Just fuck me, K?" So I do. Sometimes I have to do things I'm trying not to do, like pull my consciousness away from what my body is feeling and back into my head, just so I can stay hard for him as long as I can. When I start noticing that my own orgasm is lurking I'll pull myself all the way out and then slowly give him everything. After that, I'll just rock my last few inches deep inside him and that's usually enough. Most of the time he'll cum just from that—he'll cum and neither of us has touched his cock at all.

The way I prefer to take Mugen is facing him. I always want to see his face if he'll let me. He'll start hiding the closer he gets to cumming, though. It's quite charming. He'll throw his arm up across his face, sometimes even both arms, and hide behind them. I've seen him biting his arm, too, in certain moments when I'm really pounding him right before I cum. I used to think he was hiding his face because he didn't want me to see his responses to my…attentions, but yesterday he completely surprised me, and I'm still working on what it means.

I was feeling curious, plus I really did want to see his face, so I pulled his arms away. It took him a few moments to notice—I _had_ been fucking him for a while and he was pretty out of it—but then he gasped, "No…can't look at you!"

"What?" I asked, not letting go of his wrists. "What do you mean?"

"I can't look at you. It rips me up. You're fucking beautiful. Let me go!" I let him pull his hands away and he hid behind his arms again.

I was floored, to say the least. It filled me with so much hope it terrified me. Could it honestly be that I might have a real life—a real life with real people? It's too precious a thing to comprehend. I want it so much I cannot believe myself. It feels as though my humanity depends upon accomplishing this. I never knew what I was missing, insulated from the world as I was, but now that I know what's out here I want it more than anything I have ever wanted. Now that I've found some semblance of a real life, I will not give it up easily. My life is worth fighting for and, as my lover would say, that's a goddamn fucking revelation!

to be continued


	3. Chapter 3

**Musings, III**

by Laura Bryannan

_This chapter takes place right before episode 16, in which the three quarrel and go their separate ways. My cannon bumps into real cannon… Spoiler for episode 14._

**Fuu: **

I'm a foolish, foolish girl. I don't know what's wrong with me. My life is all topsy-turvy and I don't know what to make of it. It was terrible when mama died, but I had a nice thing going with auntie and uncle at the teahouse. I really thought I had it all figured out. And then _they_ showed up and everything went bonkers. And now I'm here on the road with these two wierdos, and it's been a learning experience to say the least. I've never spent any time with guys before this. Are they all as weird as these two? They stink and swear and posture and fight all the time. Well, I suppose that's not fair to Jin. He doesn't stink and swear, but he's still weird. And that Mugen…can anyone be as horny and gross as him? I'm embarrassed to be seen with him in public sometimes.

I hate admitting it, but being out here in the wide world has been pretty frightening sometimes. I never knew what kinds of trouble a girl could get into until I got into it, again and again. Jin and Mugen may be wierdos, but they _have_ been there for me so far. I feel safe around them. No matter what bad things they might have done in the past, I can tell they're good guys now. They're just weird. What can I say?

But I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Here I am with two guys, one is beautiful, kind and wears a mon on his kimono everyone knows. Even living in an out-of-the-way place as mama and I lived, we knew who that family was. The other is a scraggly smelly jerk and a half with prison tattoos, of all things, and who do I get a crush on? That's right, yours truly picks the jerk and a half. Maybe it's because I'm a jerk and a half too. It's gotta be.

After Jin helped me that night, you'd think I'd be all hot and bothered about him. I'll admit I get hot and bothered remembering that experience, but I can't stop myself from wondering what it would be like if Mugen and me…. Oh, Fuu, you are so _totally_ retarded! I've been trying to figure out why I'm such a retard. Jin seemed scary to me for a long time. He's soooo handsome, true, but he was about as personable as a rock. How can a girl get a crush on a rock, I ask you? Even I'm not _that_ kooky.

I've had some time to think about things since that wonderful night at the spring and I believe I made the mistake I made with Seiji because I was trying to get my feelings for Mugen out of my head. Or maybe I was trying to make him jealous or something. Too bad he didn't notice or care. I just got tired of being ignored by Jin and taunted by Mugen, I guess. Seiji was so good-looking and, being a blacksmith and all, he sure was built. Both of those two guys together wouldn't be as big as he was. He was _nice_ to me, too. Oh dear. It's clear I know nothing about how to deal with men.

So Jin helped me and now I know some wonderful secrets about myself. It's made me feel stronger, somehow. Like I'm a woman of the world now. And the nights aren't as lonely when I know how to make myself happy. Jin's been more open with me too, and I don't feel afraid being near him anymore. I didn't realize how much I missed just being close to another person until that night. He still doesn't talk much, but he'll smile at me if I sit by him, and he'll pet me like he did then. I guess he's like the big brother I never had. Mugen treats me like a baby sister too, only he's the kind of brother who pulls your hair, spills ink down your back and then laughs at you about it. What a jerk!

But I've got to admit I felt something for him the moment I saw him. He walked in the door and I got chills up my back. I really did. I was so flustered after he talked to me I tripped over my own feet and, well, the rest is history as they say. And somewhere during this journey things started to change. I can't really say when—some time in Hamamatsu, I think. I was sitting near Mugen one day and I noticed he didn't reek the way he usually did. It was nice. It's certainly made life with him more pleasant, that's for sure! And he's been quieter somehow, too. He and Jin don't seem to be going at it so much, either, so that's also been good. That got old really fast, I tell ya.

And then there was that horrible nightmare with that Mukuro creep. I was so jealous of Kohza I couldn't believe it! It was obvious she wanted Mugen, and I was afraid he'd go back to them…to her. Or, even worse, I thought he might bring her along with us. When he decided to do that job with them I was so angry, I couldn't even look at him. But when we thought he was dead I wanted to die too, and I think Jin felt the same way. I cried practically non-stop till I found him on the beach. Any hope of hiding my feelings for him from myself kind of ended after that. When Jin told me that it was really Kohza who set Mugen up I could have ripped that bitch's heart out myself. I couldn't believe Mugen let her live, but maybe that's because her death is mine. Oh dear, I sound like _them_, don't I? Well good on me!

XXX

My heart is going to break. I feel sick. I can't believe what I just saw. They went off the road to go pee and I did the same, in a different direction, of course. When I was done I sat down to wait for them. I heard them coming, but I was far enough away they didn't see me. Jin was walking ahead and Mugen after, when Mugen runs up to him and pulls Jin's hair. _I knew he was the hair-pulling type_, I laugh to myself. Jin pivots and takes a swing at him but misses, and then Mugen tries the same and misses too. I'm smiling, and then my heart stops. I hear Mugen say, "Come here you asshole," and then he grabs Jin and kisses him! He kisses him and kisses him. Jin doesn't push him away or anything, he puts his arms around Mugen and is obviously enjoying it. Suddenly everything made sense. Things have changed around here because they're lovers! I thought I was going to cry right then and there.

It was just the last straw. Why is everyone, even Jin for god's sake, more desirable to Mugen than me? Am I so horrible? Am I so ugly? Am I so unbearable? It kind of hurt when Jin got all googly about that Shino woman, but I was more upset that he might leave us than because he loved her. But it _always_ hurts me when Mugen can't keep his thing in his pants. I don't understand why everyone else is acceptable but me. I feel so left out. I feel like I'm the most despised little bug that ever walked the earth. It's just not fair they have each other and I'm tagging along alone and unwanted. I think I need to get away from these guys right away. I don't know how I can hide how awful I feel. If they both hate me so much, they don't have to put up with my presence any longer. So there!

**Jin:**

Things are spinning out of control. Something bad is going to happen—everything I see points to it. Fuu is upset. Since yesterday she's been struggling with something and she's not hiding it well. I realize it's been wrong to exclude her. Codes I grew up with demand we not approach her or allow her in. We're supposed to be protecting her and she _is_ so young. But there are other ways to dishonor a person and I've come to believe that it hurts her too much to shut her out.

She's obviously got a crush on him. He's so clearly in lust with her. I don't think the outcome will be good if they don't do something to acknowledge this very soon. They've been at each other's throats for the past twenty-four hours and I am weary of it. I would imagine she's noticed something has changed between Mugen and me. We have a truce, of sorts, between us and I'm sure it's obvious despite the fact that Mugen still behaves like an idiot most of the time. How can it be for her when we're the only family she has and we've been pushing her away?

I've been plotting about how to get them together. I've been doing research in the past few days, curious about his knowledge of the fairer sex. I knew he was a skilled lover of men, but of women? I didn't want him repeating her first experience. I couldn't live with myself if I plotted to get them together and then he brutalized her the way the other man had. After we had caught our breath and come back to the real world one afternoon, I finally asked:

"Tell me about your best experience with a woman, Mugen."

He considered for a moment, and then replied, "Only if you tell me about yours, if ya got one, that is."

"I have."

"You do? Really? Was it that Shino woman?"

"No."

"No?! Well, who was it?" he demanded.

"I seem to remember I asked the question first. Don't try to change the subject," I countered. "You show me yours, and _then_ I'll show you mine."

"OK, OK. Well I had this friend whose ma kinda took care of me after my ma…was gone. Any time I was hanging with Hiero she'd feed me, fuss over me, make sure I was OK. So I hung with Hiero a lot, right?" he laughed. "She was the best thing in my life when I was a kid, and she was pretty like an angel too. I was in love with her forever." He closed his eyes and sat there for a few moments, his face softening as he remembered something sweet.

"Well, one day when I was twelve I got beat up. Not real bad, but I guess it looked worse than it was cuz she threw a fit when she saw me. She dumped me in the tub, got all the bleeding stopped, and when I got out something happened. You know, by then I was taller than she was. We started making out. And, well, I pretty much had then what I got now and I ain't met a lady yet who didn't want to jump me once they check it out. I knew girls who stuck with me and they didn't even like me, just to get some. Uh…I guess I'm rambling. So I can't think of any specific time, but for the next three years she let me be with her every now and then. Every time was the best, you know? I learned from her there was more to sex than the ol' in out."

"You mean you weren't an accomplished lover at twelve?" I teased.

"Shut up, you fuck." He kicked my leg. "She showed me what she liked, and let me do it. I never had me a tastier pussy. _You_ ever eat pussy, Jin?"

"Yes."

He regarded me in disbelief. "You like it?"

He knew he'd get me there. "Well…let's just say there are other things I prefer to do with a woman than that," I admitted. I was relieved to learn he wasn't totally ignorant about pleasuring women. Now that I had the information I wanted out of him, I was motivated to keep my side of it as brief as possible.

"Your turn," he demanded. "I thought you learned all your sex tricks at the dojo."

I burst out laughing. I can't remember when I laughed so hard, and it felt really good. Seeing him staring at me—eyes wide, mouth open—set me off every time I looked at him. "Oh my god," I wiped my eyes. It really wasn't that funny, but I couldn't stop giggling. "Thank you, Mugen. I think I'm laughing because we students fucked each other, of course, but it wasn't what we were being taught!" I had to take a deep breath before I could go on.

"At the dojo there was never anyone I wanted to use my sex tricks on. I had sex for my own release and…well, to exert control over certain uppity ones who required it, but I didn't care about my lover's pleasure. I actually leaned my sex tricks from a woman, the same as you. Our stories are remarkably similar. My family kept concubines and I met the youngest one when I was thirteen. She was older and a surrogate mother to me as well. I was in love with her, and she was always sweet with me. She taught me about women and about myself too. Do you still prefer older women because of it? I believe I do."

"Yeah, I guess so. But I'll take 'em whatever age I can get 'em." He growled and lunged at me. "A concubine, huh?" He purred against my neck. "I like thinking of a pretty woman sticking her fingers up your ass."

I liked thinking about it too. I liked the thought of him thinking about it. "Well, you're not a pretty woman, but…." The hint was obvious enough to make me cringe inwardly, but I expected him to run with it. Instead he backed away from me, frowning.

"You letting me in your ass, Jin?" he asked, examining my face as though he didn't know me.

"Yes."

I couldn't believe he was getting up and gathering his clothes. "Hmmm."

"That's my line."

"Well…um…I need to think about this. Let's talk about it later." And off he went. I felt stunned, confused and humiliated as well. I'd been certain he'd jump at the chance I gave him, so this turn of events did not make sense to me at all. Not at all.

**Mugen:**

Things are going batshit around here. Jin has been acting weird and I don't fucking like it. Fuu's been on my case more than usual, and I've had enough of that shit too. Where does she get off looking down her nose at me? The little bitch. Why can't I stop getting horny for her? She's such a fucking nag, I should hate her guts. She's just so young and sweet. She always smells nice. I bet she tastes good too. She's not like any girl I've met before, all hardened or twisted up inside. She's brave and fun and knows how to dish my shit back to me. I really like that about her. Well fuckit. Who gives a damn now? Things were good for a while. I guess that's how it goes for me, huh? Nothing good ever lasts long in my life.

So Jin. First off, he's been bugging me about Fuu lately, asking me what I thought about her and all. Like why should he care? I don't get it. It makes me nervous. And then I've been kicking myself in the ass for making the comment I did the other day. The stupid shit wants me to fuck him. He just came right out and asked me last night.

Yeah right. Like _my_ cock is gonna fit in that virgin ass of his. I always thought of him as a smart guy, but he's sure being a stupid fuck about this. The whole thing feels wrong to me. I mean, the only guys I fucked were guys I wanted to hurt. If they were such dumbshits to want me to rip 'em a new one, I was glad to do it. I never liked any guy I fucked. How can I tell him something like that about myself?

And then this wildass thing happened the other day. We were together and I had already sucked him off. He was finger fucking me the way he does, and taking his goddam time about jacking me off the way he does, so I was pretty much a goner. Finally I feel like I'm gonna cum and I can tell he's gonna let me. In the far away distance I feel something tickling my belly and a warm mouth on my cock. Oh my fucking god! It felt so good I just came and came, not really getting what had just happened.

I got my shit together in time to see him raise his head. I pulled him up and kissed him to taste myself in his mouth, and there I was. Un-fucking believable! It made me really happy for the time we kissed, but after that I started freaking out. Things were moving too fast and I didn't know how to deal with it. Was he going uke on me? Was he a secret uke? The thought scared the shit out of me. I need him to be the strong one, not just for me but for Fuu too. I could tell he wasn't getting the reaction he expected from me, but I couldn't help myself. I was really freaking out.

"Look, that felt amazing," I said honestly. "Just give me time to get used to the idea, OK?" Jin has always been a wierdass seme, I reminded myself, so maybe this turn of events didn't mean he wanted to shift the power between us.

But today he's been pissy. I guess it probably didn't help that I insulted him when he asked me to fuck him. "You're a goddamn idiot," was what I said.

He looked genuinely puzzled, the stupidass fool. "I don't understand," he said quietly.

"If you can't figure out why your request makes you a goddam idiot, I'm not going to fucking explain it to you!" I got the hell outta there. I still don't know why this fucks with my head so much, but it sure as hell does. I gotta figure things out.

Well, when Jin gets pissed he doesn't yell or get violent. He withdraws, goes away, becomes inaccessible. He's avoided me since then and I don't give a shit. So things are most definitely going to hell around here. Maybe it's done with us. It sure wouldn't be the first time I lost people I cared about. Prolly won't be the last either. Have to see, I guess….

to be continued


	4. Chapter 4

**Musings, IV**

by Laura Bryannan

_This chapter begins at the end of episode 17._

**Jin:**

The fates had thrown us back together again. I was glad of that. Very glad. However I was feeling overwhelmed and somewhat ill. We made small talk, but the tension between the three of us was unbearable. They both walked away from me the last time. I walked away this time, not knowing I was holding my breath until Mugen stepped in beside me. And when he called to Fuu and I heard her running to catch up, a certain blackness in my heart lifted and I didn't feel quite so ill anymore. Maybe, just maybe, we would figure this out. They came up next to me, and I could see that he was holding her hand and she was a sweet shade of pink. He and I looked at each other. He shoved his shoulder into mine and I shoved back, and more tension eased away. Maybe we really _could_ figure this out.

XXXXXXXX

Mugen left to do some fishing while Fuu and I rested. I was leaning against a tree, feeling more tired than I wanted to admit. Fuu was looking agitated, so I called her over.

"Come here, you. We should talk." She came and sat in her usual spot on my right side, but didn't curl up and rest her head on my thigh the way she usually did. I gathered her to me, and began:

"You know about Mugen and me."

"Yes," she said in a small voice.

"I understand why you were so upset. Do you understand why we excluded you?"

"You guys prefer each other to me," she sniffed.

"No, that's not it at all. We both find you attractive. Spending so much time with a fresh young girl like you does things to a man, be sure of that. We both felt honor bound not to approach you, Fuu. We are here to protect you. It would be wrong to take advantage of you that way. Do you understand?"

"I guess so." She sounded doubtful.

"Mugen and I haven't spoken about this, but I believe we should try to find a way for us to be together—that it's wrong to keep you on the outside because of social protocol. It's probably going to be awkward at times, but I would like to try. I am willing to share him with you. Do you think you can share him with me?"

"You mean, you think Mugen likes me? You really think he wants to be with me?" she asked breathlessly.

"I know he likes you. He cares a lot about you. Why do you think he taunts you so? Fuu, what do you think? Can you share him or not? It's important to me to know how you feel about this."

"Yes Jin," she said. "I can't imagine going on without you. I can tell you've been civilizing him. It's been better since you've been together. And, well…he's just so…um…horny." She was blushing again; it was lovely. "It feels scary to think of dealing with that all by myself."

"Yes," I smiled. "Mugen can be a very horny puppy indeed. Which is why I need your help as well, you see?" She looked thoughtful as she took that in, then smiled and nodded. She snuggled down with her head on my thigh, and I pet her until Mugen came back with lunch.

XXXXXXXX

We finally hit a town that evening, secured lodgings and got to our room. Facing each other in the quiet of that space was uncomfortable. Fuu bustled around and then headed for the door.

"Well, I'm off to take a bath. Um…a long one," she added eyeing both of us. Then she scooted out. Smart girl. There was a long pause as Mugen and I regarded each other from opposite sides of the room.

"Fuu knows about us," I began.

"Yeah, I kinda figured," he replied.

"You intend to pursue her?"

"Yeah, I think so. You OK with that?"

"I believe it's necessary to be generous. Yes, I'm OK with it. You will move _very_ slowly, correct?" It wasn't really a question.

"Yeah. She's a good girl. I like her that way." I was satisfied. "You're covered in blood," he observed. "Fuu says it was another one from the dojo."

"Yes." He waited to see if I would say more. I didn't want to.

"She said you told her he was like a brother. A _brother_, Jin?" He raised his eyebrow.

"A lover," I admitted ruefully. "One I treated…badly."

Thinking of Yuki was bringing the black clouds around again. I rubbed my temples and sighed. He had been my last lover at the dojo—young, beautiful and very adoring. It was too much to remember just now, especially since Mugen and I had been in this room alone together for many minutes and he had yet to come near me, pacing like a panther in a cage along the opposite wall. He had walked away from me three times in the past week, and the idea of approaching him again actually seemed frightening.

"And you killed him. How are you doing with that?" he asked finally.

"Shitty, all right?" I replied wearily. "I feel completely and utterly shitty right now." I paused and looked into his eyes. "Kiss me," I demanded. I couldn't stand it any more. He was either going to call me names and stalk off again or not. I was hoping for not. He came over to where I sat leaning against the wall and kissed me. Thank god. It was a very long, excellent Mugen kiss, and it felt healing. It was like food for me at that point, I needed it so much, so I hung onto him for dear life. When I finally let him go I felt much better.

"Look," he said, "what you asked me before. We'll talk about it, OK? But right now…." He started divesting me of my clothes. He opened my kimono and said, "What the fuck?" He practically ripped my hakama off. "Holy shit, Jin, what the fuck happened to you? This ain't from no sword fight."

I looked at myself and I suppose it did look somewhat dramatic: bruises, a bunch of cuts and a few lurid-looking patches of road burn. "It's from when I jumped off the cliff into the waterfall."

"Say _what?"_ he yelled. "You did _not_ just say you jumped off a fucking cliff."

"All right. I didn't jump off a fucking cliff." I was getting punchy, and I wanted him to do something to stop the looming blackness that was creeping in again. Remembering that time was not a good thing for me to do.

"You trying to kill yourself or something?" he asked softly.

"At the moment I'm telling myself it was purely a dramatic exit." I didn't want to talk anymore. "Mugen, just suck me. I'm going to go insane if I can't stop thinking about that. Turn my brain off."

He looked at me sympathetically. "Hey, I'm the only insane one around here, right?"

He took me in his mouth and my brain did indeed turn off. Thank god. It felt so amazing, I couldn't pay attention to anything but what he was doing. All that mattered was that his mouth was on me again, his hands were on me again and it felt exquisite. I was happily floating in a wash of pleasure when I felt him take me into his throat once more. Oh. My. God. I was lost. I'd never forced it on him since that first time, and he'd never repeated the performance on his own. For him to give me that gift…my body responded, my heart responded…my orgasm exploded and then I felt myself go away. I felt such relief on so many levels, my body just gave out. I have never fallen asleep on a lover in my life, but I did that evening.

I woke up later to find myself on a bed, naked under a blanket, with vague memories of Mugen half-dragging, half-carrying me there. I was too exhausted to even open my eyes, but could hear Mugen and Fuu animatedly discussing their experiences with Okuru. Later, I roused again when I heard my name spoken.

"You know, I think he tried to off himself," he said quietly.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that too," she whispered back. "I'm glad he didn't manage it."

"Me too," he replied.

_Me too_, I thought, and then I was out for the rest of the night.

**Mugen:**

Jin was kinda feverish in the morning, so I stuck around to wait for him to wake up. Fuu took off to try and find some work, but I didn't feel like it. I was really horny, so I figured I'd jack off while I waited. He was on his back, his hard-on was tenting the blanket, and the sight made me hot. Normally I would've jumped him and got him up with my mouth, but he seemed sick. It was unusual for him to sleep so long. I sat down and hadn't gotten too far when I could feel his eyes on me. I looked up and saw him beckoning.

"Come ride me, Mugen. I'm sorry I fell asleep last night," he said.

"You sure? You got a fever, you know. You feel OK?"

"I'll feel better if you do as I ask."

OK, I'm there. I strip and pull the blanket off him, trying not to cringe at how trashed his body looked. I scramble and locate what's left of our olive oil, get him all slippery and then come up to straddle his hips. He hardly ever lets me do this, so I'm really stoked. Normally he wants to be in control of how much of himself he gives me, but this way _I _get to decide. I slide him all the way in and we both moan. Damn, it's good. I bend down and lay my head on his shoulder, and feel his arms go around me. His cock is pulsing in my ass, mine's between us, and we just breathe together for a while. Then he grabs my hips and slowly grinds himself further inside and we begin.

I raise myself up to get better leverage and to be able to see his face. When he's fucking me I find it hard to look at him. Don't know why. But like this, with me on top, it doesn't freak me out at all. He's looking really fine this morning. His glasses are off, his hair is half out of that fucking string all loose around his head, and he hasn't shaved for a few days so his beard is coming in. He _never_ not shaves, so that by itself is a sign he's messed up, but it sure makes him look hot. He looks like such a…_man_ it just blows my fucking mind. He looks really different and I feel jealous. My beard—if you can call it that—well, I don't need to shave it much. I couldn't grow what he had in two days in two weeks. That just sucks! I start moving harder in retaliation. It's almost like fucking someone else. I can't take my eyes off his face as I move against him.

He looks back at me and his hand begins to stroke my cock. He hasn't said anything, but the energy shifts and I'm aware of the challenge. We've battled this way many times—who's gonna make the other cum first? We're pretty evenly matched here like everywhere else, though, so I never know if I'm gonna win or not. This morning I've got a head start, but he's got almost inhuman staying power. I can only hope he's sick enough to let his guard down.

We struggle together for a while and I start to feel like I'm gonna cum soon. Damn! I start grinding into him, and get hold of a nip with my teeth. He groans and thrashes but doesn't stop pumping my cock. Just when I think I'm gonna lose it his back arches and I can feel him cumming inside me. Far fucking out! Watching his face sets me off and I cum too. It's good, good, good. I collapse on top of him and bliss out.

"Thanks, I needed that," I say finally.

"Mmmm," he replies. I open my eyes and see him lazily sucking my cum off his fingers. The sight makes me melt even more. God I've got the hots for this guy! I decide it doesn't matter how much it freaks me out to deal with the whole fucking him thing, I'm gonna try to figure something out. I want him to be happy. I want him to keep wanting me. I want us to stick together.

XXXXXXXX

So me and Fuu. What do you do with a girl you don't think you should fuck? Hell if I know! I hung with girls when I was a kid. There were some who were really a blast, and could fight and swear and keep up with the rest of us. Fuu reminds me of those kinds of girls, so that's good. I don't really remember when I started looking at them only as somewhere to put my dick, but it's been a long time since I did anything with a girl except fuck, so this situation is pretty weird for me.

We spent the time waiting for Jin to get better just hanging and talking when we weren't working. That hasn't been too bad, really. It's nice to hold her close. It shuts her up too! If I put my arm around her she'll snuggle into my chest and not say a word, so I can't complain about that. I even tried kissing her last night. It was sweet. She's a pretty good kisser too—much better than Jin was when I first got hold of him. She's not coming on to me either, so that's a relief. Don't know if I could be good myself if she wasn't being good first.

Jin thinks what Fuu wants from me is all that romantic shit—snuggling and kissing and stuff. She's not ready to be anyone's lover. I think he's right. Plus I ain't ready to be nobody's daddy. Fuu would prolly be a great ma but I ain't going there with her. So that means no fucking. That's OK by me. I got Jin for that. And now that everything's out in the open, we can all be close in front of each other and it feels comfy. I've been sleeping with him at night and I really like it. I spoon up to his back and burrow my face in his neck so I can smell his hair. Makes me feel safe somehow.

Fuu brought home a roll of paper and more ink, so we've been hanging in the evenings going crazy, scribbling and drawing and laughing. It's really good to laugh with people, you know? Jin and Fuu think I should try and sell some of my pictures and maybe I will. What the hell? Me and Fuu filled Jin in on all our adventures with Okuru. He didn't know Fuu had her own brush with death in the river, so she had to tell that story too. And now that Jin's back to his ol' self again, we can take off in the next few days. You know, sometimes I think I musta died when that boat exploded. Things are too good for it to be real life. Least not my real life anyway.

XXXXXXXX

Man, oh man, I've got to be the luckiest bastard in the whole fucking world. This morning I'm stretched out on my back and Jin is sitting next to me. We're more talking than anything else and we're both still dressed. He's got his hand down my pants, and I'm barely hard when the door slides open. Oooops, there she is. She takes in the scene and blushes fifty shades of red.

"OhmygodI'msorry," she squeaks, and starts heading out the door.

"Fuu, wait!" he commands. My eyes get big but I ain't gonna say nothing. She turns back to us and he beckons to her. "Come here you," he says softly. She does! Holy shit! She comes over and kneels on my other side, never looking me in the face once. He takes her hand and brings it back inside my pants where his was just a moment ago. She doesn't stop him, I can't fucking believe it! Heat just flashes through my whole body. He guides her hand around me and I can feel her cool fingers next to his. Then they start to move on me and it was blowing my mind so much I started laughing and moaning at the same time. She finally looks at me, kinda questioningly, and then she turns to Jin. He just smiles.

"He's fine. You're doing very well," he says to her. "Feeling overwhelmed, are we?" he teases me.

"Shut up…you fuck," I pant. He's trusting the jacking off part to Fuu now and his own hand is moving lower. Shit! I don't want him to make me do anything embarrassing in front of her, but if he does certain things to my ass I will and he knows it. His finger slides in but he's not being mean, it just feels good. I'm relieved. Watching Fuu jack me off is making me totally hot. She looks so sweet and serious about what she's doing.

"Can you go faster?" I ask. She looked at me with this little naughty smile and it was so cool. She _does_ go faster, and Jin's got another finger in me. I'm starting to need to check out, especially with Fuu there. Jin teases me about how I hide behind my arms, but I just have to when I start feeling out of control. Too much good stuff starts coming in and I have to keep my head from exploding, I think. And man, the stuff coming in is really good. It doesn't take long before they send me over the edge and I cum all over myself. Fuu's doing things right—she slows way down and gets real gentle. When I can't take it anymore I reach down and guide her hand to stop. Our eyes meet and she looks at me hopefully.

"Mmmm good." I squeeze her hand and pull her down to me so we can kiss. Jin gives me a towel and I sit up. "That was fun kids. Let's do it again real soon," I say. They laugh. Jin slugs me in the shoulder. It feels good to be together.

"Are we ready to hit the road today?" he asks.

"If you are, we are," answers Fuu.

Jin stands. "I'm ready," he decides. As we get our shit together I see Fuu sneak a sniff of the hand she was holding me with. She closes her eyes and gets this kinda far away look on her face. I like it. I feel happy. I grab her and give her a kiss, then I go kiss him too. Am I the luckiest bastard in the world or what?

end


End file.
